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Post by Evanescence Freak on Jun 12, 2003 16:42:30 GMT -5
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you getting these from jokes.com or?
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Post by bloominglife on Jun 13, 2003 0:33:13 GMT -5
"Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ....."Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ....."Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ....."Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach it." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes. I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really! Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Post by bloominglife on Jun 13, 2003 0:33:50 GMT -5
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you getting these from jokes.com or? no i have them posted on a differnet site
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Post by Evanescence Freak on Jun 13, 2003 2:11:59 GMT -5
Very cool.
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Post by bloominglife on Jun 13, 2003 3:14:36 GMT -5
yep
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Post by Evanescence Freak on Jun 13, 2003 15:07:09 GMT -5
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Post by bloominglife on Jun 14, 2003 2:48:56 GMT -5
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!" When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.
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Post by bloominglife on Jun 15, 2003 5:35:02 GMT -5
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please" says the clerk. "What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax" replies the clerk. "Gee" says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
A blonde goes flying first class to New York. A stewerdess approaches the blonde and asks her, "May I see your ticket please?" The blonde says, "Sure!" and the blonde gives the stewerdess her ticket. The stewerdess looks at it and says, "You have to go sit back in coach where your asigned seat is." The blonde sits straight up and replies, "I'm blonde and I'm beautiful and I'm not moving!" The stewerdess says, "Fine." The co-pilot comes out and asks the blonde, "May I see your ticket please?" The blonde says, "Sure!" and the blonde gives the co-pilot her ticket. The co-pilot looks at it and says, "You have to go sit back in coach where your assigned seat is." The blonde sits straight up and replies, "I'm blonde and I'm beautiful and I'm not moving!" The co-pilot says, "Fine." So the stewerdess and the co-pilot go and explain the situation to the pilot. "Alright, I've lived with a blonde for 20 years I know exactly what to do," the pilot replies. The pilot goes to the blonde, bends down and whispers in her ear. The blonde stands up and says, "Well why didn't you say so in the first place?!" and she returns to coach. Amazed, the stewerdess and the co-pilot ask the pilot what it was that he said that made her move. "It was easy, all I said to her was first class wasn't going to New York!" he replied.
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Post by bloominglife on Jun 19, 2003 2:03:27 GMT -5
A man went to the beach and stripped off all his clothes and began laying down in the sun. Then comes a little girl. He quickly covered his "private part" with a towel and the little girl asks him, "Mister, what's inside your towel?"
The man replied, "Oooh, it's just a little birdie."
The girl nodded and wandered off and the man falls asleep. When he woke up, he finds himself in a hospital and his "private part" in huge pain. A doctor came and asked him, "What happened?"
The man replied, "How am I supposed to know? All I remember was stripping of my clothes, laying down on the beach naked, this little girl talking to me and then i fell asleep! And now, I'm here!"
So the doctor went to the beach and tried finding the little girl. When he did, he asked her what did she do with the man's private part.
The girl answered; "Well, I was bored so I decided to play with the little birdie. I was playing with it until it spit at me. I got angry so I crushed its eggs, broke its neck and set its nest on fire!"
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Post by bloominglife on Jul 12, 2003 15:34:56 GMT -5
THE DACHSHUND A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as theleopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was onedelicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look ofterror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees."Whew," says theleopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw himheading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something mustbe up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hopon my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Nowthe dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, andthinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just whenthey get close enough to hear the dachshund says...................... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!!
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Post by bloominglife on Jul 12, 2003 15:35:55 GMT -5
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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Post by bloominglife on Jul 12, 2003 15:45:59 GMT -5
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband, thinking he'll be oh-so-manly, types in the following letters when prompted for his desired password by the computer: p-e-n-i-s> His wife rolls her eyes and then nearly falls off her chair howling with laughter when the computer replies: PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH ENOUGH
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Post by bloominglife on Sept 3, 2003 2:44:02 GMT -5
what no one likes my jokes
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